This post is prob going to be a difficult one for me. I know alot of times I stink at putting into words my thoughts and my feelings. I just feel like in a way this is my blog and I want to document how I am feeling at this moment so bare with me cause I might be all over the place.
Some people have parents that they are super close to. I read blogs where the girl says that her mom is her best friend, or I read a blog where they are packing up to go spend the weekend with the family. Then there is my family!!!!
Growing up I thought I was the princess in all the Disney classics. I lived in the big 2 story house, my parents got me and my sister alot of stuff, and I thought we were a happy family. I have know learned that I was a kid growing up that was in complete denial of her surrounding. I remember it really all started my 7 grade year. My mom and dad were fighting non-stop. Now understand when I say fighting I mean yelling, screaming at the top of their lungs, and even the occasional throwing of things (hair-dryers, plates, remotes, etc.) I eventually found out that most of the fighting had to do with my mom having an affair. I wish I could remember how I found out this but I can not remember. I dont know if this was true but my dad had reason to believe that mom was having an affair.
It seemed like the fighting lighten up and that things were getting back to normal. We had started back sitting at the table ever night eating supper together, talking, and laughing together. Then my 8th grade year 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, my mom and dad sat me and my sister down to inform us that my mom was pregnant. I remember that I wasnt very excited about it cause my sister was in her first of college and I was finally getting all the attention and I didnt want to have to share it with a new baby. I know I was being selfish.
My mom went the Monday after Thanksgiving to her first doctors appointment and well the visit didnt turn out good she had lost the baby. Those next 2 weeks my mom cried alot and stayed in her room. I remember that my parents started fighting again to ALOT!!! Also during this my mom was still bad sick like morning sickness and normal pregnancy symptons. So her doctor decided to do what he called exploratory surgery. He was thinking that maybe she didnt discharge everything she was suppose to when she lost the baby. The day after Christmas we went with my mom for her week after surgery check-up. It was me, my sister, my mom. and my mom's best friend. I was so excited cause after my mom's appointment we were going shopping and I was going to get to spend my Christmas money.
Have you ever watched a movie where when the person gets told something really bad?? Well in that moment the world to that person stops but everything around them is still going on. This is how I felt cause the doctor informed us that my mom had stage 2 ovarian cancer and that he had to go back in next week and do a complete hysterectomy on my mom. The doctor also informed us that mom had about 6 months to live.
I wish I knew how to explain how I felt but lost and confused prob explains it best. So within 2 weeks my mom had to be cut open twice and 3 days after her second surgery she had her first of 6 rounds of chemo. Those months that followed this were life changing. My sister stayed at college she didnt want to face that her mom was so sick. My dad was the same way so he worked all the time. So that just left me to take charge. During this time I messed up alot of laundry ( this is how I learned you dont put clorox on colored clothes), I learned you dont put metal or tin foil in the microwave. I grew up during this time ALOT!!
I woke myself up to get ready for work, I fixed my own breakfast, my sack lunch, and took care of mom all before going to school. When I got home from school I would strip down and change clothes under the carpot and lysol down. I would then sit in the bed with my mom and tell her all about my day, cook us supper, help my mom get a bath, and do whatever household chore needed to be done.
The memory of this time that was the hardest to me was one morning my mom rang her bell. I had giving her a bell to ring when she needed me and I wasnt there. I ran upstairs that morning and she was laying there smiling like she always was which was hard for me cause I never understood why she was so happy to be sick. Anyway when I got up there she informed that she had to go to the bathroom. I got to the bed and she grabbed me to pull herself up. What happened next is when it really hit that cancer was more than just any normal sickness. For everyone that loves my hair well I got it from my mom. She had long curly hair just as soft as a baby. Well this morning she came up and her hair stayed right there on the pillow. My heart stopped at that moment I wanted to cry, get angry, and scream. I didnt understand why, what, how, and even when was this going to be over. When was I going to wake up and this nightmare be over!!!
During this time, I realized what being strong meant. What being a leader meant. I had to grow up!!! My mom made it through all of that and I like to say that she had my help I thought yes our family made it through the storm and I thought life was going to be life again. Oh how I wished my family would be a family again. By this time I was starting the ninth grade. Tradegy hit my family a month after my mom went into remission. I had a fourwheeler wreck and broke my leg bad (I will save this story for another post) then a month after my wreck my family lost a close family friend to a car wreck. I am not going to lie I thought God hated my family and I didnt understand why?! My family were church goers my dad was the preacher!!! I was so confused I thought bad things didnt happen to Christians evidently.
The fighting between my parents were back on and they had even got to where they slept in separate bedrooms. I even heard my mom tell her friend that my dad didnt love her anymore cause of her cancer and all her scars. I am not going to lie that cancer changed my mom. I wouldnt say for the better either. She didnt have that love in her towards me and it hurt alot. I remember feeling (and still do alot of times) that she was to busy trying to hurt my dad and that my dad was to busy trying to hurt her that they forgot they had me there.
My 11th grade year I was on top of the world , I had finally got my braces off and I had alot of confidence cause guys were finally telling me I was pretty. I had my best friend who I was with every weekend and I was on the cheerleader squad and loving it. I had started driving and getting to go out and I never wanted to be at home. March 2003 my life took an unexpected turn one that still til today makes me tear up and still scars me. A week after my birthday and the day after I had competed in Leake COunty's Jr MIss pageant. My parents sit me down and tell me that they are getting a divorce. MY dad then tells me that he was unfaithful, and that I couldnt be friends with my best friend anymore cause it was her mom that he had been seeing.
This girl had been my best friend my only friend since the 4th grade. I mean this wasnt just a phase I was going through. Her family had become my family I went and had thanksgiving with her family. I went into a depression i had clue what I was going to do I went to school and sat by myself. I had no friends cause well it was going around all these crazy rumors. I went home to the house I had lived in my entire life and felt like a stranger. My dad told me he didnt want me living with him cause he had to work so much and well I didnt want to live with him. Why would I live with the man who I hated. I yelled at him screamed at him threw things at him cause this man had been so selfish to me why my friends mom. Now my mom cried all the time she also went into this bitch mode. Now I cant say I blame her I mean I cant imagine how she felt having to leave the only life that she had known for 26 years but trust me they sure didnt think about me at all.
My parents made my senior year a living hell. this was when the divorce battle really began and turst me they fought over EVERYTHING from the dog to the kitchen sink. This is when I knew I had lost the fairytale family I thought I had. I never talked to my dad for one he didnt call but I also didnt want to talk to him. My mom and me started fighting all the time. I know I was hard to deal with but I wanted attention and all she was worried about was my dad and the divorce. I feel like I died to them when there marriage failed.
I remember that Sunday like it was yesterday. My mom was mad at the world as always and I was being my normal pissed off at the world self. We started fighting cause I was on the phone with my dad. She told me I wasnt allowed to talk to him in her house. I acourse got mad cause my dad paid my cell phone and he was going off in my ear about my mom then had my mom screaming about my dad. Once again I was in the middle of them and their battle with each other.I screamed at my mom and called her a bitch and thats when it happened she punched me in the face, starting throwing stuff and even kicked me in the stomach. I ran out and went to my dad. Bout thirty minutes laater, my dad gets a phone call that my mom was found unconscious with a suicide note beside her. In the note she explained that she had been tkaing tyenol all day long she took over half a bottle all together before it knocked her out.
Now I understnad that the woman who hit me wasnt my mom but for a long time after that I was scared of her and still to this day we dont have that touchy relationship that mother/daughters should have. My mom was in icu for over a week and I got put kinda in a foster care. My dad didnt want me with my mom until she was better but he didnt want me either. So I moved in with some friends that had a lil girl for a few months.
I have realized that this post is a long one and that it needs to be broke up into two posts!! Please bare with me while I document all of this cause this is something dear to me and something I want to share. So I will post part two tomorrow!!
Some people have parents that they are super close to. I read blogs where the girl says that her mom is her best friend, or I read a blog where they are packing up to go spend the weekend with the family. Then there is my family!!!!
Growing up I thought I was the princess in all the Disney classics. I lived in the big 2 story house, my parents got me and my sister alot of stuff, and I thought we were a happy family. I have know learned that I was a kid growing up that was in complete denial of her surrounding. I remember it really all started my 7 grade year. My mom and dad were fighting non-stop. Now understand when I say fighting I mean yelling, screaming at the top of their lungs, and even the occasional throwing of things (hair-dryers, plates, remotes, etc.) I eventually found out that most of the fighting had to do with my mom having an affair. I wish I could remember how I found out this but I can not remember. I dont know if this was true but my dad had reason to believe that mom was having an affair.
It seemed like the fighting lighten up and that things were getting back to normal. We had started back sitting at the table ever night eating supper together, talking, and laughing together. Then my 8th grade year 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, my mom and dad sat me and my sister down to inform us that my mom was pregnant. I remember that I wasnt very excited about it cause my sister was in her first of college and I was finally getting all the attention and I didnt want to have to share it with a new baby. I know I was being selfish.
My mom went the Monday after Thanksgiving to her first doctors appointment and well the visit didnt turn out good she had lost the baby. Those next 2 weeks my mom cried alot and stayed in her room. I remember that my parents started fighting again to ALOT!!! Also during this my mom was still bad sick like morning sickness and normal pregnancy symptons. So her doctor decided to do what he called exploratory surgery. He was thinking that maybe she didnt discharge everything she was suppose to when she lost the baby. The day after Christmas we went with my mom for her week after surgery check-up. It was me, my sister, my mom. and my mom's best friend. I was so excited cause after my mom's appointment we were going shopping and I was going to get to spend my Christmas money.
Have you ever watched a movie where when the person gets told something really bad?? Well in that moment the world to that person stops but everything around them is still going on. This is how I felt cause the doctor informed us that my mom had stage 2 ovarian cancer and that he had to go back in next week and do a complete hysterectomy on my mom. The doctor also informed us that mom had about 6 months to live.
I wish I knew how to explain how I felt but lost and confused prob explains it best. So within 2 weeks my mom had to be cut open twice and 3 days after her second surgery she had her first of 6 rounds of chemo. Those months that followed this were life changing. My sister stayed at college she didnt want to face that her mom was so sick. My dad was the same way so he worked all the time. So that just left me to take charge. During this time I messed up alot of laundry ( this is how I learned you dont put clorox on colored clothes), I learned you dont put metal or tin foil in the microwave. I grew up during this time ALOT!!
I woke myself up to get ready for work, I fixed my own breakfast, my sack lunch, and took care of mom all before going to school. When I got home from school I would strip down and change clothes under the carpot and lysol down. I would then sit in the bed with my mom and tell her all about my day, cook us supper, help my mom get a bath, and do whatever household chore needed to be done.
The memory of this time that was the hardest to me was one morning my mom rang her bell. I had giving her a bell to ring when she needed me and I wasnt there. I ran upstairs that morning and she was laying there smiling like she always was which was hard for me cause I never understood why she was so happy to be sick. Anyway when I got up there she informed that she had to go to the bathroom. I got to the bed and she grabbed me to pull herself up. What happened next is when it really hit that cancer was more than just any normal sickness. For everyone that loves my hair well I got it from my mom. She had long curly hair just as soft as a baby. Well this morning she came up and her hair stayed right there on the pillow. My heart stopped at that moment I wanted to cry, get angry, and scream. I didnt understand why, what, how, and even when was this going to be over. When was I going to wake up and this nightmare be over!!!
During this time, I realized what being strong meant. What being a leader meant. I had to grow up!!! My mom made it through all of that and I like to say that she had my help I thought yes our family made it through the storm and I thought life was going to be life again. Oh how I wished my family would be a family again. By this time I was starting the ninth grade. Tradegy hit my family a month after my mom went into remission. I had a fourwheeler wreck and broke my leg bad (I will save this story for another post) then a month after my wreck my family lost a close family friend to a car wreck. I am not going to lie I thought God hated my family and I didnt understand why?! My family were church goers my dad was the preacher!!! I was so confused I thought bad things didnt happen to Christians evidently.
The fighting between my parents were back on and they had even got to where they slept in separate bedrooms. I even heard my mom tell her friend that my dad didnt love her anymore cause of her cancer and all her scars. I am not going to lie that cancer changed my mom. I wouldnt say for the better either. She didnt have that love in her towards me and it hurt alot. I remember feeling (and still do alot of times) that she was to busy trying to hurt my dad and that my dad was to busy trying to hurt her that they forgot they had me there.
My 11th grade year I was on top of the world , I had finally got my braces off and I had alot of confidence cause guys were finally telling me I was pretty. I had my best friend who I was with every weekend and I was on the cheerleader squad and loving it. I had started driving and getting to go out and I never wanted to be at home. March 2003 my life took an unexpected turn one that still til today makes me tear up and still scars me. A week after my birthday and the day after I had competed in Leake COunty's Jr MIss pageant. My parents sit me down and tell me that they are getting a divorce. MY dad then tells me that he was unfaithful, and that I couldnt be friends with my best friend anymore cause it was her mom that he had been seeing.
This girl had been my best friend my only friend since the 4th grade. I mean this wasnt just a phase I was going through. Her family had become my family I went and had thanksgiving with her family. I went into a depression i had clue what I was going to do I went to school and sat by myself. I had no friends cause well it was going around all these crazy rumors. I went home to the house I had lived in my entire life and felt like a stranger. My dad told me he didnt want me living with him cause he had to work so much and well I didnt want to live with him. Why would I live with the man who I hated. I yelled at him screamed at him threw things at him cause this man had been so selfish to me why my friends mom. Now my mom cried all the time she also went into this bitch mode. Now I cant say I blame her I mean I cant imagine how she felt having to leave the only life that she had known for 26 years but trust me they sure didnt think about me at all.
My parents made my senior year a living hell. this was when the divorce battle really began and turst me they fought over EVERYTHING from the dog to the kitchen sink. This is when I knew I had lost the fairytale family I thought I had. I never talked to my dad for one he didnt call but I also didnt want to talk to him. My mom and me started fighting all the time. I know I was hard to deal with but I wanted attention and all she was worried about was my dad and the divorce. I feel like I died to them when there marriage failed.
I remember that Sunday like it was yesterday. My mom was mad at the world as always and I was being my normal pissed off at the world self. We started fighting cause I was on the phone with my dad. She told me I wasnt allowed to talk to him in her house. I acourse got mad cause my dad paid my cell phone and he was going off in my ear about my mom then had my mom screaming about my dad. Once again I was in the middle of them and their battle with each other.I screamed at my mom and called her a bitch and thats when it happened she punched me in the face, starting throwing stuff and even kicked me in the stomach. I ran out and went to my dad. Bout thirty minutes laater, my dad gets a phone call that my mom was found unconscious with a suicide note beside her. In the note she explained that she had been tkaing tyenol all day long she took over half a bottle all together before it knocked her out.
Now I understnad that the woman who hit me wasnt my mom but for a long time after that I was scared of her and still to this day we dont have that touchy relationship that mother/daughters should have. My mom was in icu for over a week and I got put kinda in a foster care. My dad didnt want me with my mom until she was better but he didnt want me either. So I moved in with some friends that had a lil girl for a few months.
I have realized that this post is a long one and that it needs to be broke up into two posts!! Please bare with me while I document all of this cause this is something dear to me and something I want to share. So I will post part two tomorrow!!
3 comments:
O my goodness. Girl, I had no idea. I know all of this was a long time ago, but you are in my prayers. No one should have to go through all of this.
"The Lord hears his poeple when they call to him. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and He rescues those whose spirit is crushed. Psalm 34: 17-18
Nicole, I'm so proud of you for sharing this! No one has the perfect family... me included. Documenting these stories are really great! Now on to part two!
Reading this made me cry. Hard tears. My heart is breaking for that 7 year old, 9th grader, 11th grader and 12th. I feel horrible for everything you've been through. How dare they take your innocence away? How dare they put you in the middle? How dare they scar a beautiful, healthy child.. for life. I hope you know that you are worthy of so much more than what they put you through. You are worthy...
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