Update, Valentines Day!!!!

Yesterday after my post I went and was reading some of my favorite blogs and well I got slapped in the face hard like black eye slap. Have you ever read a story on the news, heard a song on the radio, or read a blog post and thought wow this is about me??? Well if you havent maybe then maybe Im just a crazy person hahahaha. The blog post I read yesterday was about excuses and how people are always making them. I am so guilty of being the dreadful excuse lady. I always come up with an excuse for everything. My family hurts my feelings what do I??? I make up an excuse for them doing it. I have loads of laundry to wash I make up a good excuse on why I shouldnt do them tonight. I could go on and on with all the excuses I make for EVERYTHING. Why???? I have no clue cause Im only hurting myself. I dont want to be known as the excuse maker. I have got to learn to just do. As you can tell in alot of my previous post Im having a hard time with alot. I guess my blog is my way to get everything off my chest and just feel better. I am one of these thats lets people throw stones at me and never once do anything about it. I do not know how to brush it off though I hold it in I analyze and usually think it was ok for what the person did like I deserved it. So please think about me during this time cause my lil devil is giving my angel on my right shoulder a whipping and I have to find a way for the devil to lose.

Ok back to what I been saying I wanted to share with yall. I never dated much in high school so I never experienced alot. I never even celebrated valentines day with a boy til my ex hubby ( I feel so embarrassed saying that) Anyway. Jeremy is the 2nd boy to spend Valentines day with and he hands down did the best he but so much thought and love into it. I def am excited about this valentines day. We told each other not to spend alot of money cause we just actually wanted to spend some time alone together which we rarely get. It was a great night spent with the one I love so dearly so hope you enjoy the pictures.

Jeremy grilled steaks for supper and we had baked potato with it. We curled up on the couch and watched tv together. He also gave me his letterman jacket from high school. I never had a guy give me his letterman jacket so I thought it was so sweet cause he knew that nobody had ever done that. Sorry for the awful pictures of me I had zero makeup on and ouch. Oh well you get to see the good the bad and the ugly hahahaha.

I am so ready for this weekend me and Jeremy need a fun weekend together so hopefully we will get one. I also hope everyone that reads this has a great weekend to.

Better late than never!!!!

So sorry that I didnt blog yesterday it was just one of those days where pms got the best of me and I didnt want to talk or blog to anyone. Im sure everybody has experienced this. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy and I am full aware of this sometimes I do things that hurt me and I have no clue why I do it. Yesterday my emotions were scattered and a hot mess. I felt bloated, useless, and just damn right down in the dumps. Knowing I already felt like this I got on facebook and looked at Jeremy's ex girlfriends page. WTH was I thinking well evidently I am a dumb @$$. She is super skinny long pretty hair and just a pretty girl. YEp the next is horrible on my part but the self pity began. I cried and was thinking why is Jeremy with me when he can have this girl ( she broke up with him but has tried to get him back after we started dating) and I started thinking about everything that I have put him through. Well onWEdnesday nights Jeremy comes down to see me and well we fought all night just about it. After he gets there my mom calls saying I messed her vehicle up when I had used it and that just added to my fire. I took all my hurt in my heart out on Jeremy I know I shouldnt have done that but trust me at the time I felt like it was right.

Since I decided to make changes in my life i feel like I am an emotional wreck. I want a family that I can depend on and a family that is caring and not full of drama. I want a family that cares about me and doesnt just call me when they want something or when its convenient. I want a family like Jeremy has who is always there for each other loving supportive and not trying to tear the other one down. I dont want to be like anybody in my family and I feel like the harder I am tryingto become my own person and break away the harder that lil devil is on me. Jeremy is wanting me to move in with him he is closing on a house this Friday and I am scared to death. I want this but at the same time Im scared about leaving what I know here. Im use to the craziness and drama my family puts me through. What if I dont like the other??? I feel in the middle and I dont know what to do. I feel like im notsatisfied with anything in my life at the moment and I hate that cause I am a happy person. I know I love jeremy that is not a question in my mind but I am scared of failing again. I have done been through one divorce and I guess it just scares me what if I go through another one and have to pick myself up again.

I hate that everytime you have to open up my blog it is about my emotional roller coaster but that is why i need this blog I need support team that have been through this and that can say to me this to shall pass. I have been through alot and overcome alot but here lately I just want to give up. You remember watching cartoons growing up and thhere would be a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Well there you go my angel and devil are fighting and well somethinghasgot to give the devil slips and falls but then somehow that joker always climbs back up stronger than ever. I have to find away to knock that devil off and keep him away so I can enjoy life.

On a happy note this morning I grabbed this red dress out of my closet that I use to love but my belly bulge was to big and it made the dress so uncomfortable. Well guess what I am wearing it this morning and it fits perfect!!!!!! Tomorrow I will show yall pictures from me and Jeremy's first Valentines together thats for being so patient.

Painting Fun

Good Morning??? Well I am trying to stay positive I woke up this morning to a wonderful thunderstorm which means its a gloomy messy day. I so wish I could be at home in the bed with my pup watching movies all day long. Stupid work :( I was telling yall yesterday about my pianting fun I had with my mom and sister Friday night but sadly i have no photos. This was not the first time I went to a painting class a few months ago well about 3 months ago I went with Jeremy's sister to one. We painting an owl which was suppa cute so since I am having computer problems and apparently phone problems. Ok lets me honest here evidently Im just dumb and me and technology do not get along. Anyway here are some pictures from that night.



Shand and I ready for some painting fun:)





Jeremy and I

He was going out with a friend but we had to have a photo session to:)











This is what the painting is suppose to look like hahahahaha

What my canvas looked like before:)

hahahahaha giving you step by step

We decided to take a break hahahaha

.

and tahdah!!!!! My owl isnt he precious hehehehe
More like an owl on crack hahahahaha
Oh well I like him



This night was so much fun just getting to have some one on one time with Shanda and to have some girl time. I dont trust girls cause come on you know we are well witches but switch the letter w with a b. So it was fun to have a lil girl time. I havent hung my painting up anywhere but I think one day if I have a lil girl I want to hang it up in her nusery. I know prob cheesy but I like cheesy:)

Tomorrow I am going to post pictures from me and Jeremy's first valentines together!! No it will not be mushy but cheesy yes cause that is def what kind of couple we are:) 

Weekend Recap and My Monday!!!!

I am so frustrated. I have the cutest pictures  on my phone to upload and been trying to all morning and UGH I cant do it. So I sent the mms from my phone like it said got the code number and all and when I enter it in it keeps giving me an error????? So anyway I guess yall want be seeing my wonderful pictures from the weekend.

Friday was work and work then after work I meet my mom and sister and we went to a painting class called Easeley Amused. So much fun we painting a scarecrow which mine didnt look anything like what it was suppose to but it was still fun.

Saturday i got up early so I could run too the grocery store to get all my ingredients to do some cooking for the tailgate. I fixed peanut butter cup cookies which I have a picture on my phone and yummm so good. Jeremy helped me out in the kitchen by cooking cream cheese sausage balls which were a big hit to. After cooking we got dressed and headed out to drop Lizzie Mae off at my moms house. We had so much fun at the ballgame with great friends and YAY State won!!!!!! I have a fun story to tell yall tomorrow wish I had time now but since I spent all day trying to figure out how to upload pictures I am behind on my work.

Sunday we slept in late got up went and got Lizzie and came home and ate a bite of lunch. We made a run to walmart then came home and I washed my car and cleaned it out, read some in my book then took a nap. Yesterday was basically a relaxing day but was productive at the same time if that makes any sense.

Today well as you already know im frustrated cause i want my readers to be able to see pictures to go along with my story and Im not having any luck :( but I will not give up

Sure hope yall had a great weekend and are off to a good Monday!!!!!

Best week eva!!!!!!!!!

Ok this has been the best week nothing to complain about (knocking on wood) I can not remember the last time I had this good of a week. Life feels great I love waking up in the mornings the days are going smooth and my ride to work in the morning are smooth. WHOOP WHOOP!!!!

So recap of where I left off if you didnt read my post Tuesday that is fine I will share again I got a new ride. Awe it might not be a brand new car but trust me if you had been driving my old junk then you would be excited to. I am in love. So tuesday I signed my life away and now I am in debt hahahahaha!!!! I was so happy then Wednesday morning I was on my way to work and my service engine soon light came on I was like OMG nooooooooooooooo I thought I havent even owned this car for 24 hours and I have done messed it up. And half the time it was in the driveway just parked. I felt like I was going to die. Well I took it back to the dealer and guess what was wrong???? This girl didnt have the gas cap on tight enough. I didnt even know cars would tell you that stuff. My old car never told me nothing til I was broke down on the side of the road.

Tuesday night I watched Dancing with the Stars and Body of Proof. I had never watched Body of Proof before but I really enjoyed it and def think I will watch it again. Last night was a jammed pack night of tv watching. I need DVR yes I admit I do not have DVR what in the hell is wrong with me. Anyway I watched Survivor, the Xfactor, and Revenge. I am not a big survivor fan but I watch it for the boyfriend shhhhhhh dont tell him now. The x-factor I wasnt as excited as I am when American Idol comes on but I did like the show. Revenge whew I had a hard time keeping up I can tell it is one of those you cant miss a second of it and with a drama queen pupper who just got fixed OMG I never can sit down. I really did like it though and lizzie mae might have to go spend the night with her nanna on Wednesday nights hahahah

Today I have another busy day, I have alot of work to do at work plus going to get my eye brows done good lord they are out of control. Tonight I am taking my nephew to a football game so we can have some bonding time. I love that lil guy so much!!!!!! I hope you all are having a good week and that it is going smoothly for you. Mine is great even though I have been no makeup week YIKES scary the clients away.

A Grrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttt Post!!!!

I am having a great week at this moment I do not think that anything not even this gloomy rainy weather can take my smile away. Why you ask??? This lil girl is growing up and purchased my first ride well I am signing the papers on them today. YES!!!!!!! It is nothing to really brag about to a bunch of people cause it is just a 2006 model but after all I have dealt with and been through the last few years this girl is so proud of this accomplishment. I was gonna upload a picture from my phone but guess what blogger what upload it. I have a iphone 3 and everytime I send a text with the photo I get a message failed message??? Any suggestions on what I should do to fix this problems.

So recap of yesterday well it all started with my motivational preaching I got from Kelly which double thank you for that wonderful blog sermon cause yesterday know will def be a day I will never forget and you were apart of it. I just worked, got a car, and went home. I was hoping for a workout date with Julian Michaels but when I got home Lizzie was wanted some mommy time so sorry Julian but my pupper comes first to me. Maybe today though ;) I just enjoyed a night with Lizzie in my lap ( cause this never happens) and watched tv. I watched Dancing with the stars, Two and a half men, and Castle. Dancing with the stars I thought the cast was really good and I have no clue who will go home tonight I mean nobody just  down right stunk to me. I loved the new Two and a half men but then I read some horrible reviews this morning and I was like well Nicole evidently it doesnt take much for you to laugh. Castle I really think I am going to like I watched the season finale last year and was wanting more so hope I continue to feel like this even though I am lost in some ways.

I made a goal to get up earlier this morning I usually get up at 7:10 let Lizzie outside then I literally run to take a shower, dry my hair, put clothes on, and out the door and at work by 8. Ugh Nicole why do you do this to yourself. I get to work and feel so drained from how fast I get ready. So I decided to quit with the excuses that I was gonna take baby steps though so I set my alarm for 6:45 well ugh I didnt totally fail this morning but I was still rushed getting ready. I woke up and just laid in the bed til 6:45 I checked facebook and read emails which I have never done in the mornings but that is not why I set my alarm earlier. BUT like I said I am not going to overload myself baby steps Nicole. I will not beat myself up though I will stay motivated and meet my goals.

One goal is to spice up my blog page its so BORING it has no life really. So anyone who wants to spice it up for me and help me let me know. hahahahaha

Weekend Recap, Brand New Week, Update on Lizzie

Whew I have to say I am really getting into this blog cause I could not wait for Monday morning so I could finally sit down and tell you about my last couple of days. Backing way up to last Thursday, I had to take Lizzie to the vet to get fixed which this mama cried then I went to Dirt Cheap shopping and got some good deals YAY!!!! Around dinner me and Jeremy headed to Starkville to do some shopping before the big game. We also went to Mugshots and meet up with some friends. Even though the bulldogs lost to the LSU tigers I still had a great day with my boyfriend and our friends. Friday- I got up and worked to dinner then had to go pick up Lizzie which she was so pissed at me :( but once she got home she was ok. Friday night we just laid around with Lizzie and watched tv. Saturday morning got up and was dragging :( but I still went to the park and was going to run but ugh I just didnt have the motivation in me to do it. I did walk and jogged a lil but was so disappointed in myself. I went home and just laid around with Lizzie the rest of the day. Sunday morning was the same thing to except I didnt run at all I kept telling myself I had to much to do which is totally a lie.

I read my favorite blog this morning Fitting Back In. Have you ever went to church and felt like the preacher was talking directly to you??? Well Kelly makes me feel like that alot. I say she she is my new friend cause even though we dont talk alot I feel like she "preaches" to me alot. I have so much I want to do for myself but I am constantly saying I will do it tomorrow or doing stuff for others and getting stressed out. I have got to quit making excuses for myself and why I am not getting stuff done. I always say started tomorrow then when tomorrow comes its ok Nicole starting tomorrow. UGH I have got to quit I have 15 projects I want to do. I want to make a recipe book, I want to be more organized, I want to become a runner, I want to wake up earlier ever day and not feel so rushed, I want to cook more, and I want to read more. I have not done none of this. It so frustrates me cause thats why I started a blog so I would change my bad habits and I have made some changes and I am so proud of myself. I am so thankful to have found the blog world and blogs like Kelly who motivates me to not give up and keep pushing. I knew this wasnt going to be easy when I started it but I will not and cant quit. Starting right now Im going to use every secong of the day on stuff for me and do the things I want to do. Quit all this putting it off til tomorrow. Like Kelly said in her blog today even the president has time to work out everyday. Thanks Kelly for once again motivating me to get up off my lazy but and do something. I got to quit moaning and groaning and just do it.

Oh before I go I need to give you an dupdate on Lizzie. I tried to upload a picture from my iphone but blogger want let me???? I dont know eek!!!! Lizzie is a DRAMA queen!!!!!!!!!!! She doesnt take pain very well ( just like her momma) and she is milking this for all that she can. I even hand feed her the other night. I think she honestly feels better but just doesnt want me to know that. I bet right now she is throwing a party in her pen!!!!

What are some things in your life you want to change??? Like I already said I want to cook more and be more organized. I want to be more accountable for my eating and exercise to.

What is something that helps you get motivated??? Well Kelly from fitting back in at the moment I think im gonna read her blog post over and over again today heheheh!!!! Music also helps get me pumped up and I feel fearless.

HELP and Some Pictures

Ok Im really getting aggravated with my #%$@%^^%$ camera. Why why why want my computer recognize my &%$^$%&^%*&%^* camera cord. I plug it in and nothing. I am just ARGH!!!!! I feel like beating my head on something. I have such fab pictures of me and the boyfriend and lizzie and other stuff BUT I dont know how to get them from my camera to my stinking computer.

Ok sorry that is all I have to say about that.

Today is my last full day of work this week can I get a WHOOP WHOOp!!!!! except I am sad cause tommorrow I am dropping Lizzie Mae off at the vets to get fixed I am not dealing with her bleeding all over the place. I feel like I really might cry is that bad???? Well I am going to say that I am perfectly normal so screw you if you make fun of me. Since I am tired of my blog being so dull cause UGH my stupid piss of BLEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPP camera want cooperate with my computer I am going to share some older but adorable pics of Lizzie Mae. I have more pic of her than I think I do of me and Jeremy. Dont judge me now I get bored when Jeremy is away.

Is she not just the cutest baby ever??? Well I think she is anyway even though she isnt this little anymore. UGh stupid camera. hahahahaha yall would never know that my camera has me mad would you. I also found this cute Easter picture of me and Jeremy I decided to share

I hate how my arms look huge but oh well I think we look so cute together my big arms and everything!!!

What I am liking here lately!!!

Here lately life has been rough for me and I really think I have been letting the negative control me. So I want to write about all the good and positive in my life. I know the people who read think wow this girl has nothing good to say lol I do I promise. i started this blog as a journal to get stuff off my chest and to be honest about who I am and to document my progress. I know I am not the best at words when writing but you have no idea at my progress I have made already.

Just a few short months ago you couldnt get me to open up about my past to anyone let alone type it out for anyone to see. Now I am ok to talk about what I went through in great detail to my close friends and my boyfriend. When me and my boyfriend started dating I hardly ever cried cause I thought crying showed weakness and I thought I was not weak at all. Well I cry alot now and I am not scared to fall into Jeremy's arm and wipe my tears on him and sometimes I think he gets a lil snot on there to.

I also use to just talk about stuff in life that I wanted to do, like I use to complain about how I wanted to do projects. Well honey my house makes me look like a hoarder for all the stuff Im saving so I can do my lil projects. I am so excited to start on them to and I believe in myself that I can do it and the end result will look fabulous!!!!! I use to always frown and stomp around like a kid throwing a temper tantrum that I wanted to cook but I didnt know how. Well I love cooking now I love finding a recipe online and making it my own. I am also in the process of making myself a cookbook with all my new favorite recipes so I can pass it down to my future kids.

I always talk about how I do not want to be overweight. I wanted to be healthy and in great shape. Well let me tell you something you cant eat fast food everyday and watch people working out and do it. True story I know it sucks cause I tried lol just kidding. So now Im healthier and it feels great I have energy and I am not terrified when I get out of the shower and see myself in the mirror. I am sorry TMI hahahaha

I finally trust people again and letting people help me through my new journey. Before I never went to anybody I thought I was a one man army basically and I didnt need help but you know what I do need help and I have a great support system. I know they think they do not help cause I am still hurting, but just being able to have someone to talk to, cry to, and scream at is more help than I had.

So see I am doing great and Im getting to where I feel normal and that it is all going to be ok. I have already accomplished so much in just a few short months and Im ready to accomplish so much more. Thank you to the ones who have helped me and encouraged me to push and get here. Also thank you to those who take time to read my lil life journal and maybe as time goes I will be a better journalist cause whew when I read back somedays I'm like girl what were you thinking hahahah well apparently some days I do not think!!

This week!!!

I have really got to get better at naming my post. I mean come on girl where is your creativity???? Well I guess I should say over at Pinterest cause when I am on that website whew this girl is unstoppable. Well until I click the lil red x in the top right handed corner.

Anyway I sure hope everyone had a good week and weekend, This girl did not. Sometimes I wish I had a remote that controlled my life. I know thats not how life works but last week I could have really used a pause button. Work is crazy and life is busy now with football season. I have so much to be thankful about but yet here I am complaining ugh I know what is wrong with me. I went to a funeral yesterday and it was for a sweet dear old lady who was loved by so many. It got me to thinking after the funeral. I hope that when it is my time to go that a bunch of people have good memories and things to say about me. I know in the past I have made alot of mistakes and those mistakes Im struggling with cause I want let go of the past.

Here in the last few weeks I have really been trying to but when your family is the cause for alot of your hurt whew it is exhausting. This weekend one of my parents upset me and just chipped away at my heart a lil bit more. I cried to my boyfriend Saturday night and said why cant I be one of those people that just brushed stuff off. Instead I hold it in and blame myself for others actions. I mean come Nicole that is so not healthy. So this week I feel like I had a set back.

Ok I do have something to brag about though I am doing so well with my new lifestyle in the food department. No fast food in over 4 months!!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!!! I am loving cooking even though everything I cook I cant eat I still taste it. I am so proud of myself cause when I want to eat a bunch of homemade fries I tell myself look at how far you have come and I fixed me a salad.

This week is a short week for me. Finally the first MS State home game is thursday!!!! therefore I am taking off thursday. BUT Thursday is also the day that I have to drop Lizzie Mae off to get fixed!!!! EEK this is one scared momma. My vet assures me she will me fine but umm she has to stay away from home overnight. I am not liking this. I keep loving on her alot more than usually and she is like ok momma you have lost your mind.

So this week Im still trying to eat healthier and hope to read some which I have been slacking from due to tv EEK!!!! I also hope to get on top of my house work which I struggle with. Im working on creating list and sticking to them. I also want to have a lil me time to process everything that is happening in my life and work on letting go of the things I can't change.

Hope you all have a blessed week!!!!

Recap of my weekend!!!!

So usually I am in slow motions the first day back to work after a long holiday weekend but not today!!!! I am all smiles and feel so refreshed cause this girl had a wonderful weekend. Yes tropical Lee couldnt even get me down and trust me that storm tried including about 12 inches of rain.

Friday night- After work got home and laid down I was starting to feel sick which would have stunk a big one, then got up and me and the boyfriend went and watched the Leake Rebels play football. WOW!!! Such an intense game Leake would score then their opponents Kirk would score then Leake then Kirk. EEK!!!! I was a nervous wreck. In the end the Leake Rebels pulled it off :) after the game we went home and off to bed.

Saturday- I was up at 8:30!!!! This is a record for me especially cause I jumped up that early just to go running!!!! I know super proud of myself and so glad I did cause it felt so good. So me and the boyfriend went to the park for a lil jog and workout then it was back to the house. When we got home I went straight to the kitchen for a long session of cooking, we had a long day ahead of us with a binch of football games to watch. I cooked some cocktail weenies wrapped in bacon, homemade pizze bites, chocolate covered strawberries, and rotel dip. I found most of this recipes at Fitting Back In. I love all of her recipes and her style of cooking. So thanks so much for all the good recipe ideas :)

So saturday we watched the Auburn game, Ole Miss, and LSU plus alot of others one. I even took a nap in between and we were in the bed by 11. But overall it was such a fun day just chilling.

Sunday- was another early start for us. We got up about 9 and headed to the park for another lil jog and then headed to subway for lunch. After lunch it was back to the house got showered, gave Lizzie a bath and got her packed up, then we headed to Kosciusko for the day. We dropped Lizzie off at Jeremy's parents while he took me to see the house he is trying to buy. Words cant even describe how excited I am about this house. It is super cute and I love it. It has a big fenced in backyard which is perfect for Lizzie. After looking at the house we went back to Jeremy's parents to celebrate Jeremy's nephews birthday. We had a great visit with his family and then headed back to Carthage. I let Lizzie stay the night with Jeremy's sister which acourse I cried the whole way home. I feel lost when Lizzie isnt at home. When Jeremy and I got home we watched big brother then played a card game then went to bed.

Monday- we got up around 9 and it was raining so no run at the park for us. We just got dressed and headed to Jackson to try to find some stuff for the house. I love decorating and want to try some projects that I found on pinterest. Plus acourse had to go to Petsmart and get Lizzie some stuff. We had so much fun together just spending the day together. We dont get alot of alone time right now so when we have date days we love it. After a few hours of shopping we went and picked Lizzie up and headed home to watch some TV then it was bedtime at 9.

So an update on my new outlook on life well I would give it a C. I havent done the best but I havent done the worst either. I caught myself some thinking what if  this and what if that. Ugh bad Nicole (slapping myself on the wrist) but I really am proud of my progress cause I do know I cant change overnight but just cant give up cause if I give up on myself that is just bad.

I still got to try to get my camera fixed so I can upload pictures. I got so many cute ones here lately but for some reason my computer want recognize my cord. Please dont get bored though cause soon you will see pictures galore.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Yes I love it when my alarm goes off in the morning hahahahaha WRONG!!!! but I do not hate it so bad when that obnoxious sound goes off in my ear on FRIDAY morning cause my weekend is just a few hours away. I am super excited that it is also a holiday weekend (doing a little dance in my seat)

So yesterday was a pretty good day, I feel like my first day of letting the past go and not worrying was a success to a degree. I only got down and analyzed a situation once and it was totally needed. So what was that situation I am sure you are asking right???? Walmart ugh yes I always walk out of that place with a tear in my eye cause that bill just makes me cringe. So as I mentioned in a previous post I love me some SEC football, well it started last night with my Dawgs beating the Memphis Tigers 59-14. So proud of my boys last night it was so good to see them in action and I loved torturing my ole miss fan roomate. Well Saturday is going to be a big day in our house cause we have alot of other SEC football games to watch. Well here the last few months I have learned that I can cook!!!! SHOCKER!!!! I am actually good at it to and I can even follow direction without getting confused. So I made up a menu for Saturday and made a grocery list, and then decided I would cook also for last nights game so added that to the grocery list. After work yesterday I went and tanned and got me a twenty minute nap in and off to walmart I went. I was all excited and had a big smile on my face.I got everything on my list and nothing else. Got to the checkout and the sweet cashier said your total is $85 DO WHAT???? yes good mood shot smile gone. NICOLE how in the world did you spend that much. I was sick to my stomach the whole way home. I even got great value brand of everything and it was still that high.

I got home and decided to hurry up and suprise Jacob with supper. I figured since I was going to be torturing him with State football all night the least I could do was cook for him. I made buffalo chicken casserole. It was so easy to fix and oh so delicious. I got low fat everything so I wouldnt feel so guilty eating some of it. I know how boys like their beer and buffalo chicken while watching football so knew Jacob would love it and acourse he did. SCORE!!!!! Now just hope my cooking tomorrow is a big success to!!!! Im doing rotel dip, chocalate covered strawberries (that is going to be like footballs), doing some cocktail weenies wrapped in bacon, and some homemade bagel bites. Im so excited to see the finished product and hope the boys enjoy it all.

Further more I am very proud of myself casue I never had anyone to show me how to cook. My mom never let me help her cook and my grandmaw never wanted anybody watching her. So just a few months ago I got tired of sitting around complaining about how I wish someone had showed me how to cook, therefor I just got up and got to reading recipes and just started doing it myself. I have taught myself alot of things here lately and I have also learned that it is ok to ask somebody to help you or ask how to do something. I still have a long way to go but I am much better person than I was a year ok and I am getting better everyday. I want to keep pushing myself cause I want to be able to show my kids things and I want them to have the family life I didnt.

Ok enough I have to stop bragging on myself although I quite enjoyed it hahahaha!!!!! This weekend I am gonna to attempt my first homemade project. Now I have never been one to have a creative mind and I havent started I found these projects on Pinterest!!!! I have always said I wish I was creative and made stuff at home. So Im through saying I wish I could and Im going to do it. Also Sunday is Jeremys nephews bday so we will be going to Kosciusko to spend time with him, and Lizzie is going to spend the night. Awe I am prob going to cry. Lizzie is fixing to be 6 months old and has not been away from me alot, and when she is gone I feel so lost. If I am like this with a dog whew I cant imagine how I am going to be with a baby.

I sure hope everyone has a very blessed weekend and enjoy your time off!!!!!!

Be Blessed-
Nicole

Honesty with Yourself!!!

Today is going to be a hard post to write cause I am going to be completely honest no sugar coating anything and no beating around the bush. I know I dont have alot of readers but I just feel like I need to do this post so maybe I can have some closer and finally be able to move foreward. Now where to begin. . . . I wish I could tell you that I have always had an easy life but that my family always got me through but as I said I am going to be honest with you and myself. My family was usually the ones cause heartache in my life instead of boys. My parents fought alot in my teenage years and finally got a divorce my senior year cause my dad cheated on my mom with my best friends mom. Yes I typed that out right so not only did I get tore between my parents I lost my best friend who I trusted. My senior year was suppose to be the happiest and most fun year of my life WRONG!!!!! I hated it cause my heart was broken shattered I had to leave my home that I had leaved in all my life, I was furious at my dad and wasnt talking to him nor did I see him, but I had no friend to confide in cause my best friend was gone. I went through the quiet stage of grieving where I didnt talk to anyone, then I got angry. I hated my mom , my dad, my sister, and myself. I felt like all this was my fault and to be honest I dont know why but I did.
I graduated highg school and moved to Meridian for college which is about 45 minutes from where I live. Well I was thinking it would be a fresh start??? WRONG I hated it there my parents were still trying to get divorce yes they fault about everything. Therefore they fault over who was going to give me money for the week which was usually 20 yes I dont know how they expected me to eat and have gas money off of 20 but I managed. I also went wild basically I realized that as long as I drink everynight that I didnt feel the pain inside of me. Well then I meet a guy, I thought he was perfect so sweet so goodlooking and liked to party to. Well long story short he cost me a night in jail!!!!! It made things so much worst so now instead of my parents fighting over money, who got what, now throw me up in there. Anyway after a year of college I quit and moved back home in with a couple and there two kids, I also got a job at a daycare working 3 days a week and the other 2 I was cleaning the couples house as part of my rent. AFter leaving with them for a few months I meet my ex hubby, I fell for him so fast he had a good job and acourse he told me everything I wanted to hear.We started dating "officially" on halloween and by valentines day he proposed and then on June3,2006 I am married making me 20. I felt like I was in love with him but I also knew it was an escape from my parents.

Well if you have been reading my post you already know that I am not married anymore and I already talked about my marriage so I will not bore you with that again. After my divorce, I moved into my sisters rent house alone. During this time I let alot of emotions out I cried alot got angry alot and well drink alot to. I would pray and say God what are you doing to me?? Why am I such a failure in life?? Why doesnt anybody love me?? Well during this time I built me a nice walll up around my heart and I promised myself I would never trust anybody again nor would I make the same mistakes I did in life again.

Now to present day, I have a wonderful life a great boyfriend who loves me, a roommate who is my best friend, and I have Linz my angel who always knows just what to say. BUT!!!! I still have that wall up and I still am holding on to the past. How do I know??? Because everytime I want to do something before jumping I think about what happened to me in the past then I break it down and analyze it. When Jeremy tells me he loves me I say no you dont how could you love someone like me. When me and Jeremy fight I always tell him to just break up with me. Why do I do this cause I am letting the past control me and how I think and what I feel. I get jealous so easy cause Jeremy is very close to his parents and his sister, so when he gets talking about all of them I have hurt swell up in my heart and I fight back and lash out at Jeremy cause I hate hurting. I over analyze everything somebody says and I always am seeing the worst in everything. Again why am I doing this because of my past. I promised myself this because I was going to protect myself??? Then why does it feel like I am only hurting myself. Because I am holding myself back from happiness, God isnt doing this, my parents arent doing this, Jeremy isnt doing this, and his family isnt doing this, its my fault I am still feeling unhappy sometimes

For the first time, I am building the family I wanted like I said I have my roommate who is my best friend and we have been friends for 7 almost 8 years and he has never left me nor hurt me. I have Jeremy who girls I know I am lucky he is so patient with me and trys so hard to make me feel better and does whatever he can to make me laugh, but he cant be patient with me forever I know he has to be tried of the dumb remarks I make that I dont even mean. Just a lil over a year ago I meet my dear sweet friend Linz and it feel so good to have a good girl friend again. I havent had a real girl friend since the one I lost when my parents split up. She is always honest and always there for me when I just want to vent. Which poor think I know I have got to drive her batty.

This is why I started a blog to write and express how I am feeling and here it is and I am tired of feeling all these feelings that I am feeling and none of them are good. I want to smile and mean it, I want to laugh and it not be fake, I want to love and not be scared of getting hurt, and I want to be happy and not be scared to be. So what is the best way to let go of the past just say good bye and forget it??? Well I sure hope so cause that is what I am doing starting today on September 1!!!! I am saying good to my past and all the negative, Im saying good bye to all my jealousy, Im saying good bye to all the what ifs, and I am saying hello with open arms to HAPPINESS!!!!!!! Now I know this isnt going to be easy at all but damnit I am and I will do it cause I am tired of getting held down. I had a friend let me read this quote yesterday and it says " Moving on to the future without letting go of the past is like tying your arm to a post while cathcing a train" Well this girl is catching me a train today and Im letting my tired arm free cause I am 25 and I have let the past control me for to long and I am ready to live life. I am tired of being scared and worrying all the time. Im ready to do all the things I want to do but always been scared of failure. You know what I am not perfect so when I mess up and fall flat of myface I do not care if you judge me or laugh at me cause you know what I am gonna get up happy cause you know what I was not scared to try.

So here it is the start of a really new mean, I started a healthier life, started exercising, and even started running with the boyfriend on the weekends. Now add letting go of the past to that list . So has they always say stay tuned for the rest of the show!!!!!!

P.S. TODAY KICKS OFF SEC FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! MSU kickoff at 7:) party at the crib!!!!! well me, lizzie and jacob party!!!!!