Honesty with Yourself!!!

Today is going to be a hard post to write cause I am going to be completely honest no sugar coating anything and no beating around the bush. I know I dont have alot of readers but I just feel like I need to do this post so maybe I can have some closer and finally be able to move foreward. Now where to begin. . . . I wish I could tell you that I have always had an easy life but that my family always got me through but as I said I am going to be honest with you and myself. My family was usually the ones cause heartache in my life instead of boys. My parents fought alot in my teenage years and finally got a divorce my senior year cause my dad cheated on my mom with my best friends mom. Yes I typed that out right so not only did I get tore between my parents I lost my best friend who I trusted. My senior year was suppose to be the happiest and most fun year of my life WRONG!!!!! I hated it cause my heart was broken shattered I had to leave my home that I had leaved in all my life, I was furious at my dad and wasnt talking to him nor did I see him, but I had no friend to confide in cause my best friend was gone. I went through the quiet stage of grieving where I didnt talk to anyone, then I got angry. I hated my mom , my dad, my sister, and myself. I felt like all this was my fault and to be honest I dont know why but I did.
I graduated highg school and moved to Meridian for college which is about 45 minutes from where I live. Well I was thinking it would be a fresh start??? WRONG I hated it there my parents were still trying to get divorce yes they fault about everything. Therefore they fault over who was going to give me money for the week which was usually 20 yes I dont know how they expected me to eat and have gas money off of 20 but I managed. I also went wild basically I realized that as long as I drink everynight that I didnt feel the pain inside of me. Well then I meet a guy, I thought he was perfect so sweet so goodlooking and liked to party to. Well long story short he cost me a night in jail!!!!! It made things so much worst so now instead of my parents fighting over money, who got what, now throw me up in there. Anyway after a year of college I quit and moved back home in with a couple and there two kids, I also got a job at a daycare working 3 days a week and the other 2 I was cleaning the couples house as part of my rent. AFter leaving with them for a few months I meet my ex hubby, I fell for him so fast he had a good job and acourse he told me everything I wanted to hear.We started dating "officially" on halloween and by valentines day he proposed and then on June3,2006 I am married making me 20. I felt like I was in love with him but I also knew it was an escape from my parents.

Well if you have been reading my post you already know that I am not married anymore and I already talked about my marriage so I will not bore you with that again. After my divorce, I moved into my sisters rent house alone. During this time I let alot of emotions out I cried alot got angry alot and well drink alot to. I would pray and say God what are you doing to me?? Why am I such a failure in life?? Why doesnt anybody love me?? Well during this time I built me a nice walll up around my heart and I promised myself I would never trust anybody again nor would I make the same mistakes I did in life again.

Now to present day, I have a wonderful life a great boyfriend who loves me, a roommate who is my best friend, and I have Linz my angel who always knows just what to say. BUT!!!! I still have that wall up and I still am holding on to the past. How do I know??? Because everytime I want to do something before jumping I think about what happened to me in the past then I break it down and analyze it. When Jeremy tells me he loves me I say no you dont how could you love someone like me. When me and Jeremy fight I always tell him to just break up with me. Why do I do this cause I am letting the past control me and how I think and what I feel. I get jealous so easy cause Jeremy is very close to his parents and his sister, so when he gets talking about all of them I have hurt swell up in my heart and I fight back and lash out at Jeremy cause I hate hurting. I over analyze everything somebody says and I always am seeing the worst in everything. Again why am I doing this because of my past. I promised myself this because I was going to protect myself??? Then why does it feel like I am only hurting myself. Because I am holding myself back from happiness, God isnt doing this, my parents arent doing this, Jeremy isnt doing this, and his family isnt doing this, its my fault I am still feeling unhappy sometimes

For the first time, I am building the family I wanted like I said I have my roommate who is my best friend and we have been friends for 7 almost 8 years and he has never left me nor hurt me. I have Jeremy who girls I know I am lucky he is so patient with me and trys so hard to make me feel better and does whatever he can to make me laugh, but he cant be patient with me forever I know he has to be tried of the dumb remarks I make that I dont even mean. Just a lil over a year ago I meet my dear sweet friend Linz and it feel so good to have a good girl friend again. I havent had a real girl friend since the one I lost when my parents split up. She is always honest and always there for me when I just want to vent. Which poor think I know I have got to drive her batty.

This is why I started a blog to write and express how I am feeling and here it is and I am tired of feeling all these feelings that I am feeling and none of them are good. I want to smile and mean it, I want to laugh and it not be fake, I want to love and not be scared of getting hurt, and I want to be happy and not be scared to be. So what is the best way to let go of the past just say good bye and forget it??? Well I sure hope so cause that is what I am doing starting today on September 1!!!! I am saying good to my past and all the negative, Im saying good bye to all my jealousy, Im saying good bye to all the what ifs, and I am saying hello with open arms to HAPPINESS!!!!!!! Now I know this isnt going to be easy at all but damnit I am and I will do it cause I am tired of getting held down. I had a friend let me read this quote yesterday and it says " Moving on to the future without letting go of the past is like tying your arm to a post while cathcing a train" Well this girl is catching me a train today and Im letting my tired arm free cause I am 25 and I have let the past control me for to long and I am ready to live life. I am tired of being scared and worrying all the time. Im ready to do all the things I want to do but always been scared of failure. You know what I am not perfect so when I mess up and fall flat of myface I do not care if you judge me or laugh at me cause you know what I am gonna get up happy cause you know what I was not scared to try.

So here it is the start of a really new mean, I started a healthier life, started exercising, and even started running with the boyfriend on the weekends. Now add letting go of the past to that list . So has they always say stay tuned for the rest of the show!!!!!!

P.S. TODAY KICKS OFF SEC FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! MSU kickoff at 7:) party at the crib!!!!! well me, lizzie and jacob party!!!!!